It's been a couple of weeks since I've written to you so I thought I'd give you an update on how it's all going.
Last time I wrote, I told you about my experience of eating mindfully and listening to the gentle sounds of my tummy rumbling as I did so. I described the sensation of concentrating on my toes and then falling asleep for a 30 minute nap only to be woken (rather rudely) by a gong bringing me to my senses. I even explained about the pleasant experiences task we had to do, making sure to focus on at least one point in the day when something good was happening and to write down everything we felt in that moment before it was time to realise that saucepan containing lunch was still on the hob and most likely charcoal by now...time to order a takeaway I guess.
Since then, more has been added to my mindfulness repertoire. Last week, I added the ability to sit mindfully for only 3 minutes and still manage to nod off (I was pretty impressed if I don't say so myself...and I do) as well as a range of yoga type exercises to carry out every other day during the week. This involved lying on our backs and moving into positions such as 'The Cat and Cow', bridge and one where we had to go on all fours and alternate lifting the left leg, right arm and visa versa...mindfully acknowledging (kindly!) that I have no balance and that my arm is wobbling more than a tray of jelly on the head of a deer being chased (with his herd) by a dog called Fenton.
We exercised like no yogi has done before and then were sent home to practice. My home achievements included managing to sit down and start my 3 minute breathing practice approximately 1 minute before mum decided to get up and come into the kitchen discussing tea, falling asleep doing the yoga exercises (yes, it is possible) and not write down a single unpleasant experience...whoops.
All is ok though because, when seated, 8 of us halved to 4 for the session this week, and asked how we did with our home practices, I did actually manage to contribute. Despite having failed to write anything down, I realised I had a very good unpleasant experience that I could describe with accompanying feelings, sensations and all. Something that happens to me daily and is just another of my annoying side effects of being a walking, talking (frequently found singing) ball of anxiety. I described how every time I send a message to someone on social media, or technology in general - Facebook, text, Whatsapp, I end up spending the next few hours or so (sometimes longer) kicking myself for wording things the way I did, putting the smiley face instead of the grin one, imagining them laughing at me while they read it and deciding I'm too weird to speak to again, reading it in all the possible ways someone might and imagining the worst and, finally, watching for that little 'seen 16:03' or those two little ticks that tell me my message has been read but, as feared, I'm not getting a response. I've done something wrong, used the wrong words, I've embarrassed myself and now I need some chocolate or a large cup of tea....
Response in the room? My friend, the German girl...I believe her name is Elizabeth, excitedly exclaims that this is exactly how she feels! All the time! Sending emails at work, texts, everything! Particularly work. Having to sound professional and not embarrass herself. She sends that email and if there's no response quickly the thoughts fly in: 'They're reading it wondering what I'm on about?' 'What is that lady talking about!' 'She's wrong!' etc. etc. This then leads to another lady in the room leaping in with her own tale of unpleasant feelings. Getting home on Friday to an email from a colleague. Someone she already doesn't have a great relationship with, saying she'd got something wrong, that something made no sense, something she'd done earlier in the day. A document? Another email? I can't remember but the point is, it wasn't right and this lady decided to email just as her exhausted colleague was sitting down and taking off her shoes at the end of a difficult week lawyering. Thoughts? God, I hate her! She's so annoying! Why did she have to send that now? It definitely could have waited until Monday! Feelings? Frustration, anger and irritation. Sensations? Clenched fists, tightness all over...
The conclusion? Technology is such a stress! I mean, what happened to the good ol' days of letter writing or walking all the way to the phone box to make a call. I'd much rather that then this instant communication lark. I mean what with everyone having smart phones and laptops by the age of 8 now it basically makes it impossible to believe someone when they say they didn't see your message or they were too busy to reply after they read it. It makes everyone a little less trusting of those around them as they see those little symbols appear telling them the message has got across but 2 hours later and there's still no reply. I mean, didn't you even need to pop to the loo in that time? Or go and grab a coffee? Have even 30 seconds to even type out some reasonably incomprehensible reply....?!
Apologies, sort of went off on a tangent there! The point is, this week was the first time that I felt my contribution actually helped to get something going in the group. A whole group discussion began and everyone started opening up about their feeling and we all just had a bit of a laugh. It was much more enjoyable than the start of the session...
I was tired. I'd had a few late nights and a busy day and what I really needed was sleep. But the course was paid for, a ridiculous amount of money had been lost to the cause. I couldn't just not go. So there we sat, we 4 and Hagen in rainbow socks. Time for a sitting practice. Approximately 30 minutes long. Within 3, my head was dropping and I was struggling to keep that necessary straight backed posture. I tried wiggling, moving into a different position, feet slightly crossed. Off I dozed again. I tried opening my eyes and staring straight ahead...they shut. Too heavy for this concentration thing. I fiddled with my nails, picked at my fingers, anything to keep me awake. I even tried pinching myself. On and on the exercise went. Hagen's voice drifting in and out of my consciousness. Long pauses giving me a brief glimmer of hope that the minutes were drawing to a close...more words. More talking. More silences. Until, after what felt like forever...................................................................................................more words.........more silence..............(ha! Now you know how I felt..........................................................) and finally.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
*Ding Ding Ding*
Discussion time. What did we think? How did we feel? One girl spoke of not wanting it to end. Feeling so relaxed and calm that she didn't want to come back into the room. My German friend however: 'I just couldn't wait for you to ring the bell...you kept pausing and I thought it was going to end but it didn't...'
HALLELUJAH! I agree! I agree! I agree!
Tell me more Ellie, how did you feel? What were your sensations? How was your body responding? I'm just tired and I couldn't stay awake. I needed to open my eyes, to do something and I just wanted it to end. You kept going quiet. I thought it was over. Seconds pass and it kept going on. Now I just want to sleep. I'm. So. Tired.
Luckily, the next exercise was better. It was time to get physical. Time to...walk. Mindfully of course. Standing in a circle, eyes closed. Feeling the sensations of our feet on the floor. The pressure of the sole of our feet on the ground. Bend one leg while the other foot is pointed on the toes. Bring up one leg and move it in front of the other, feeling it touch the ground, the pressure move. Then the next foot. Keep going. Moving round in a circle. Paying attention. Change direction. Speed up, slow down. Attention remaining. Acknowledge thoughts and let them go, bringing the attention back to the feet.
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| Me being active...therefore not sleeping while trying to be mindful |
Then we packed up our stuff, said goodbye and, oh so mindfully, walked out of the door.
See you next week.
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