Dear Insecurities

Dear Insecurities,

So I was scrolling through YouTube the other day, as I am prone to doing, and I came across a video by one of my top favourite YouTuber's called Dodie Clark. She made a video called 'My Insecurities' where she admitted that, like many, if not most, if not all, people who are truly honest with themselves, she has many things she dislikes about her body. She then progressed to go through these from tail to top and say why she didn't like these certain parts of herself.

At the end she then explained how, the thing is, however much we choose to dislike these little parts of ourselves, or even all of ourselves, they make us who we are. Every freckle and spot, our wonky nose and oddly shaped feet; all these things are what make me, me and you you and they are all loved by so many people. So after pointing out these little faults she feels in her body, she went on to take them, one by one, and explain why she really, actually, truly loves them because, without those things, who would she be?

So what did I decide to do thanks to this wonderfully inspiring video? I decided to write a blog post doing the same thing. A letter to you and a way of reminding myself that really, if I thought about it seriously hard and didn't spend so long moping in front of the mirror, I do actually love my body and I'm very happy that I am me.

Fifteen Flaws 

1. Small feet - Pretty self-explanatory but my feet are only a size 4.5-5 in UK sizes...I think that's around a 38 but I can't say for sure. This makes it slightly tricky sometimes to find shoes that I like as well as meaning that when I forget some vital footwear and I'm going on an adventure with others, I can't just borrow a pair of theirs...not without putting on several pairs of socks first to fill them out anyway.

Odd socks...Deal with it.

2. Bruises on my Legs - So I'm one of those seriously weak human beans who can be lightly touched on any part of my body and a ginormous bluey, purpley, greeny, yellowy mark will appear within minutes. A mark that will insist on simply staying there for as long as possible from that moment on. That means when I wear any sort of short clothing: shorts, skirts, dresses and either no tights, or tan tights are required, my multi-coloured rainbow legs are on display for all to see...great.

"Where did those come from??" I hear someone ask. I'm afraid I don't know dear stranger/family member/friend. One of two places. Either someone touched me lightly with a feather or I walked into a table...again...I'm afraid we shall never know.

3. Bum - It's big and it wobbles. That's all...and yes, I've tried squats.

4. Big Hips and Podgy Tummy - What is says on the tin. It probably can be explained by the fact I don't choose to go to the gym or...do any sort of real exercise really and therefore have not properly worked out for about two years but I do sometimes wish I could feel my hip bones...or that area just generally looked a little bit...tidier. When I was younger, these were the parts of me that stopped me fitting into the low-waisted, hip clinging jeans everyone wore and I never really recovered from that.

Podge!

5. Tummy Scars - So those who know me or who have read a few of my letters, the ones here about my body and all my medical history...will be aware that my tummy isn't one of those pretty blank canvases with a simple bellybutton decoration around about the middle but that, instead, I have approximately 5 scars of varying lengths, positions and designs spread across my tum. Scars that, from the age that I wanted to start wearing bikinis or tops that showed off that little bit more of my tummy, made me feel a lot more insecure and self-conscious about my body.

Oddly angled photo...lying on my back...so not the most flattering but that's just another flaw...scars!

6. Small Boobs - I may have been the first in my year to develop these wonders when I was very young (I mean I'm not saying 11 or 12 years old is late...but....) however, once they'd had a bit of time to develop into those little B-cups of theirs, they decided to stop. Meanwhile, everyone else overtook me, whether half my height or a whole head taller, they just had a much more impressive chest to carry. Not only was this sad because I was taller than most of those with the bigger boobs but it has also reduced the circle of bras that I can purchase, the most entertaining of which I feel are largely made for the bigger breasted lady.

7. Marked Arms - It's not the biggest thing but, what with many hospital visits and needles that accompany them, both my arms are now home to a wide range of puncture wounds; red dots where once, a nurse approached, gloves on, sleeves rolled up and pricked a tiny hole into my skin.

8. Flubby Neck - Something that Dodie herself mentioned about her own body, but I dislike my own podgy neck that makes me wary of any photographs taken of me unawares. My neck also makes me very aware of when people touch it. Hairdressers, Masseuses...people who might come across that part of my neck where my shunt runs down from my head and you can feel, ever so slightly, a thin tube underneath my skin...ewwwww, what's that!?

9. Spotty Face - Yes, I am human and yes, I get spots. I also have a very bad habit of finding anxiety and stress relief from picking said spots. This tends to leave my face covered in long-lasting, repeatedly picked scabby mark things. Attractive, eh?

10. Dry Lips - 'nough said...and yes I've tried vaseline. It doesn't work...also as soon as you eat or drink it comes off anyway so I really don't get it!

11. Big Nose - I have a very 'fond' memory of being on the school bus, aged about 9 and a girl, younger than me, starting to laugh and pointing ahead of me. After being asked what was so funny, she said, as I turned sideways, my shadow on the chair in front showed I had a really, really big nose. Ha...I already knew that. But thanks.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it...Pinocchio?

12. Big Ears - I'm an elf, didn't you know? No, seriously, as soon as I escaped the school I was at from the ages of 6-13, a place where my hair had to be up and out of my face at all times, I let it loose to cover my ears and haven't touched a hair-tie since...well...not quite but you know what I mean.

13. Invisible Eyebrows - I'm blonde, and I love being blonde...or 'fair' as some may argue, but it does unfortunately mean that this acts on my eyebrows too and in certain photos, when the light is particularly bright, I could carry it off quite well that I, in fact, do not own such a facial feature.

Spot the Eyebrows!

14. Big Forehead - If you look at pictures of me as a baby (see below) it's far worse than now but still, it's something I don't like.

15. Flat Hair - Not always the case but on many a day. My hair lies flat from the roots to my shoulders and it's just. not. cool.

Fifteen Fantastic Features

1. Small Feet - Brilliant because they're cute and I get complimented on how delicate they appear.

2. Bruises on my Legs - A sign that I am active. If I was choosing to spend all day lying in bed or on the sofa, it would be impossible to get such bruises. The fact that I am walking into things or being poked by any other person means I am both on my feet and I have many (quite annoying and painful but still wonderful) friends and family around.

3. Bum - It looks great in jeans and or anything that shows it off. It's big and I love it. So there!

4. Big Hips and Podgy Tummy -  A sign that I eat well and love my food. Also a sign that I developed a love for making delicious dishes from my dad and my brother and sister and that therefore I will choose a big bowl of stew or half a roast chicken over a salad or a bacon sandwich over muesli any day of the year and I'm happy to make that decision!

Once a Hippy, always a Hippy!

5. Tummy Scars - Something that no-one else has and that therefore clearly define me. No-one else has that funky Madeline scar on their right hand side or that newer line down through their belly button. They're the marks of what I've been through and what I've survived and no-one can take them away from me.

6. Small Boobs - If I was one of those crazy people who chose to go running for fun, it would be far less painful, I hear, because of the size of my bazongas. I'm also less likely to be told off in a work place or, when younger, as a pupil, for showing off too much cleavage...I could barely define such a thing let alone show you one.

7. Marked Arms - Another of those silly things that just show how far I've come. Every mark on my arm, every plaster or spot, is a sign that I've got through yet another bunch of needles, drips and painkillers and that shall always be something I feel proud of myself for.

8. Flubby Neck - It's just one of those things. It's in the genes and it's part of me, so I love it. My shunt tells a story, one of my own and anyone that is curious and wants to know, can ask. I'm happy to tell.

9. Spotty Face - A sign that I am human. Hormones, greasy skin, spots = all a sign of growing up and changing. The fact that I pick them, not the best thing and not something I'm terribly proud of, but there are much worse things I could do when scared or anxious or stressed so let's just be happy that this is what I do instead.

#NoMakeupSelfieSpotLife

10. Dry Lips - Mine. I have nothing else to say.

11. Big Nose - Yes, it's big but that's my nose and if it were any smaller, or cuter or pixie,,,ish, it wouldn't be. It's a conversation starter on the bus as proven and I love it.

12. Big Ears - Saves me money when I want to go dressed as the BFG or an elf to the Christmas party and they're also kinda cute.

13. Invisible Eyebrows - I do own a pair of tweezers but I don't really need to. No-one can see those tiny fair hairs anyway and I certainly don't need to start worrying about their shape. Eye-brow Pencil? What even is that?? My eyebrows are fine how they are, thank you very much.

14. Big Forehead - What do you think is behind that forehead....? Exactly! I mean, that grey matter needs a place to grow and that's where it be growin'! It's also yet another reminder of my insane ability to survive having a head full of water. Whooop!

15. Flat Hair - Gives me all the control I want over how I shape it, part it, plait it, wear it and I love it!

So there we go, insecurities! 15 things that I hate about myself and why I love those things so much!

If you'd like to reply, feel free, because everyone has these things, even......

YOU!

The point is, that's ok. In fact, it's wonderful.

Lots of Love and Love Yourself,