Monday, 24 November 2014

Dear Aladdin

Dear Aladdin,

Since I started writing these blogs, you have appeared a number of times, both in positive and negative ways. I thanked you for changing my world and wrote about you when you disappeared for a while. I asked you to come home. You did. I don’t think either of us imagined when you arrived at the airport 3 months ago, that everything that has happened since would happen. Holding that sign as I stood at the arrivals gate, it was like my biggest dream come true. Not only had you reappeared and made me smile again, but I got to have a real, honest-to-god ‘Love Actually’ moment...barrier and all.

I know you don’t understand now why everything has changed. I know that you probably hate me and that you don’t want to hear an explanation. Yet I need to tell you that, without meaning to sound like something from some pathetic Rom-Com: I did this for you. From the moment I met you I knew you were the loveliest boy I could hope to meet. You were adorable, charming, cute, polite and all-together wonderful and you still are. The common denominator in anything that has happened between then and now has been a problem with me. It has always been some silly problem that I have had, something that you can’t change and, if I was less stubborn, I could probably deal with. It’s no different now. You deserve nothing less than a girl who can love you as much as your big heart loves them. I loved you and I’m pretty sure I still do. I just can’t love you as much as you love me and that’s not fair. On you. I knew that if I carried on allowing you to treat me like the princess you always have, knowing that I couldn’t fully return that feeling to you, it would only hurt you more. We could have carried on as always. If I hadn’t messaged you that day, we could have been together now. I could have been down this weekend for my early (or even…pre-poned?) birthday celebration, you could have come and helped me look after the twiglets in London next weekend. I would have loved it and so would you. We both would have been very happy because we always are when we're together, hospitalized or not. I could have waved you off at Heathrow,  in floods of tears, make-up running. We could have spent the holidays messaging and Skyping to reassure each other that we’re still here. You would have come back and we would have celebrated another birthday – yours. On it goes.

I can’t do that to you. I wish I could but I can’t. I care about you more than anything or anyone right now and it kills me that I can’t just call you up for a chat. I know that I’ve hurt you but I know even more that if it hadn’t happened now, it would have just happened later. It would have just hurt a hell of a lot more. The problem is, I miss you. I miss you now but also I missed you when we were together. The thought of being with you but being apart for so long, every week, every month. If we were nearer to each other…If you lived here...maybe it would have worked. I need to be with you, not just be in a relationship with you.

I hope you understand.

Best wishes and lots of love from the bottom of my heart…

Your princess,

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