Dear Thoughts

 Dear Thoughts,

You are not fact. Well…most of the time. Unless you’re specifically about a fact…What I mean, is that you are not always what you seem and you can’t necessarily be taken at face-value. You are open to error and it’s not your fault. You are based on connections in the brain and sometimes those connections can be off. It’s so easy for us to sit and listen to you, like a little person in our brain telling us how it is, but we’ve got to be able to identify when you may be exaggerating a little or overgeneralising. I know you’ll try and deny it, so I want to share with you some examples, just so you can see what this habit can do.

So one way you like to act up for me a lot, is through jumping to conclusions, making an assumption – no proof – of what someone may be thinking (mind-reading) or what may happen in the future (fortune-telling). I do these a lot, spiralling downwards into a world of anxiety and panic after an interaction with someone and you deciding it had deeper meaning: my friend is angry with me, they think I’m rubbish at my job, they’re thinking how annoying I am etc. etc. Or creating a whole world of worries about my future, normally on the lines of: I want to have children but not too soon that I it detracts from me getting comfortable in a job or career, but not too late that perhaps my medical history will reveal problems and it could take even longer but I want to ensure my children meet their grandparents and, and, and….None of this spiral is based on any facts. My parents are both healthy, I’m only 25 and I have no solid information from which I need to panic about the effect my medical history has on my chances of reproduction. Take a bow, dear thoughts, you’ve successfully and erroneously skewed my thinking.

Another example? The mental filter. This is when you essentially place a sieve above the collection of details about my day and let the positive ones fall through but catch the negative ones for me to sit and focus on. I’ll have a really good day at work, but somewhere during it, one negative – or perhaps we should say ‘less positive’ - thing will have happened. That negative thing will sit at the front of my mind the rest of the day, and when asked how work was at the end of it, I will focus mostly on that event. It used to be said quite often that I’m a glass half empty, and it makes me feel just a little bit better to think there’s a reason behind it. I’d do well at school but then get confused on a question for homework and suddenly the world would come crashing down…

That leads me to another way my brain lies to me. When I label myself. I do this all the time. When I take a negative event and use it as evidence that I am a bad person in some way. I can’t do this maths question? I’m stupid. I couldn’t get the baby at work to nap today? I’m a terrible nanny. I’m ill and people are needing to look after me. I’m a nuisance and always cause trouble (that one is also an error of ‘over-generalising’ – just because I’m requiring help now, it doesn’t mean I always cause trouble)…

I won’t list more of your mistakes. The point is, as you can see, you aren’t special. You are prone to mistakes just as much as anyone else. The problem I have, is that you sit there spewing words in my head all day with great confidence and my anxious brain just believes ever single word you say. Well…not anymore. I’m actively trying now, as I articulate in this letter, to not take what you say as true without having a look at it properly and seeing what error(s) you may have made. I have known about how you operate for a long time, ever since I first attended therapy at the age of 12, but this is the first time I’ve properly used this knowledge to help myself and take control. Even the other day, I found myself walking with the baby at work, over-thinking as usual, my brain chat-chat-chatting and I just wanted peace. So I started to note down every time you appeared, what you were saying and where your errors lay. And suddenly the feeling of anxiety or panic would ease. You’d start shrinking or fading until you were barely there and I could keep moving. I suddenly feel I do have the power over you. You’re just in my head, but I’m out here and I can see what’s really going on. I’m not blaming you, dear thoughts, for all the errors you make; they’ve come from years of forming faulty connections. I’m just letting you know that now I really understand you, I plan to put less value onto what you say, and release some of that control you’ve had over my life for all of my life, a little at a time.

I’m not saying this relationship is over. I know you’ll always be there and I’ll probably never stop listening to you entirely, but I’ll just nod now and say “ok, thoughts. I hear you but I’m getting on with my day” and perhaps gradually your interruptions will get fewer. Perhaps you’ll start to listen to my side. I’m not expecting you to never make errors again, but I hope you understand why I need to step away, to not listen so hard or trust you so much.

I know you’ll always be there,

With you always,

Dear Mental Health

Dear Mental Health,

I write to you today, on a day dedicated to you and raising awareness of how important you are. Today is the 10th of October, otherwise known as 'World Mental Health Day'. I don't appear to have written to you before, which I find extremely odd considering how much I care about you and your well-being. Before I started writing, I found myself doing some research to find our more about you:

What are you? According to the Mental Health Foundation, you're capable of change and improvement. When you're in good form, you enable us to cope with life, feeling, expressing and managing emotions, whether positive or negative. If things are well, you allow us to cope with change and uncertainty and bounce back from any struggles we may face. You're different for everyone with roughly 1/10 people affected by anxiety or depression in any given moment. Yet, considering how common such conditions are, talking about you continues to be tricky for a lot of people, pushing you into the shadows.

I am one of those 1/10 people, I think that's been made clear enough on more than one occasion. You don't feel at home in my brain and you act out. I am lucky though and can and will keep finding you the help you need to feel better. The theme for your special day this year, is 'mental health in an unequal world'. The focus is on how things can change to help those with mental health struggles who are already facing other socio-economic and personal challenges. How can potential stressors be eased to minimise their impact on mental health, especially in a post-pandemic world? The Mental Health Foundation website has some recommendations for how government can do this. I'd tell you to have a read...but I'm not sure how much you'd take on board.

I know how lucky I am to get the help I need. I appreciate that I have access to the finances needed to pay for a psychiatrist, therapist and daily medication. I am lucky to have family and friends who support my twisty-turny, hilly journey involved in looking after you, dear mental health. I am grateful for this as we all navigate a time during which research has shown increasing numbers of people suffering. People's lives have been, potentially, drastically changed - losing jobs, losing homes, missing, and sadly losing, friends and family, juggling work and home-school, reduced access to necessary services and treatments. A tonne of change with a dollop of loss is understandably causing havoc to people's lives and minds. Keeping you safe, stable and happy has not exactly been easy for anyone. 

But people do increasingly realise how important you are and want to do whatever they can to help so that people can feel happy and safe around you rather than sad, anxious, afraid and alone. 

You may not be as visible as more physical health needs: no sling, crutch or bandages in sight, but you are there, hidden away in everyone. One simple step we can all make to bring you to the forefront of people's minds is to discuss you more...So I will always talk about you to the world, mental health, because you matter: not just today, but everyday. 

Speak soon (and always),

Dear Stranger on the Bridge

Dear Stranger on the Bridge,

As you went about your day, that sunny Tuesday afternoon, you may have spotted that girl standing on the bridge, phone outstretched, trying to get that perfect selfie of her and her Boyfriend. You may have seen the multiple attempts at getting the smile just right and the angle just so. You may have thought to yourself: "how sweet. They look so happy". You may have thought nothing because there was nothing to notice. Two seemingly happy 20-somethings standing on a bridge trying to get that perfect snapshot of time for social media. You would have thought no differently if later that day you'd seen that photo online with some cute caption to remember the day by. Or when that same girl used that photo weeks later to celebrate her boyfriends birthday, because it was the most recent photo she could find of them together. 

I wouldn't blame you, stranger passing by, for not questioning that moment. I wouldn't blame you for just assuming that that couple on the bridge were perfectly happy. But that's why I wanted to write this letter. To tell you the truth.

When you saw us, we had just walked along a river, through fields and woodland, hearing trains pass in the distance. We had meandered through the countryside, up some tricky terrain with the threat of a twisted ankle at multiple turns. We had followed signposts and checked google maps at regular intervals, finally completing the Thames Path route, Goring to Pangbourne. It was a lovely idea, the walk. Something - and somewhere - new to explore while we both had a week off from work. Plus the countryside is beautiful around those parts. It should have been such an enjoyable, peaceful, mind-clearing activity. And yet....

My brain had been working its way towards something over the past few weeks and months. While to the outside world, I was happy and confident, inside my mind was spiralling. To strangers like you I appeared calm and collected and yet inside thoughts were racing, dipping and diving, shouting over each other to be heard. Imagine being in a room full of people all trying to talk to you at once, reminding you of things you don't wish to remember and questioning everything. Asking: "are you happy?", "but are you sure?", "what if....?", "and remember...". In the quiet of a countryside village, my mind was loud. It felt like I was being attacked from all angles and I couldn't find the voice to scream "BE QUIET! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE". Apparently, I was required to listen, and to consider everything about my life very carefully. What's more, I was required to think quickly. My heart beat fast in my chest, adrenaline pumping, as if I was being chased across this beautiful bridge. You may not be able to see it, dear stranger, but this thing chasing me? It's big and it's scary and it's largely made up of fears about the future:

My relationship - Is it perfect? Is it right? Are you sure? If it's not, then what do I do?

My parents - When might I lose them? How long do I have? I can't survive without them. They need to meet my children. 

My fertility - Can I even had children? What if I can't? I can't know without trying but I'm not ready to try....

My job - Am I happy? Is this something I want to do forever? I'm not skilled in anything else...I need to know what I'm doing...I can't go back to studying. Would something else pay enough to live the life I want?

Questions buzz around my head, giving me no time or space to stop and breathe. I need to answer all of them and I need to do it now. The buzzing continues beyond the bridge and the car journey home, beyond that evening and the next day. Finally something has to give. I find myself crying hysterically on the sofa at 10pm, Wednesday evening, blurting out everything that's been stuck in my head. First to my boyfriend and then to my parents and friends. I feel terrible. I've released my worries on the world and now they're out there free to cause mayhem wherever and whenever they please....

But wait...

Is it me, or are they getting smaller? When the buzzing was all in my head, standing on that bridge, it felt so loud...now someone has slightly turned down the volume. Suddenly it's not just my thoughts against little old lonely me in this battle. I've got allies. I've got my boyfriend, I've got my friends, my parents...And with each and every one, my voice gets louder. Since that evening, I've added another ally to my army: a new therapist. She's not my first and, by no means, is she my last. After roughly 2 years of pretty solid mental health, my mind reached a point of needing help again. I listened to my psychiatrist and increased my medication too. If it was my arm or my leg that needed help, I'd not think twice about taking the painkillers, or doing the treatment. So, I shall do the same for my brain. I always will. 

Anxiety thrives off uncertainty, as my therapist explained, and nothing in life is certain, except death. I can't be certain that by Christmas I'll feel fine, I can't say for sure when the next big blip will come. What I can do, for now, is take control: I can be honest when people ask "how are you?" and send this letter out into the world. I can focus on the moment, reminding myself nothing in the future is certain. I can carry on living my life, one step at a time. I can say I have anxiety, anxiety doesn't have me. 

If you've read this far, dear stranger, thank you. Remember, not everything you see is at it seems.